[As Read on GIO.]
On a Scale of 1-Duke Nukem Forever, these are Worse
And then Some…
Hey there folks! I’m posting this terrifyingly terrible blog because I am also compiling a list of the most classic cult classics as well as the best games of the past generation. So, without further ado, I hope you all enjoy this list of the 30 worst games (FOR CONSOLES) of the previous generation of gaming.
30 | Clive Barker’s Jericho (2007)
Allow me to start off with this particular musty gem. While it is true that the game could’ve turned out a lot worse than it did, and it did manage to incorporate some interesting concepts and an odd and eerie story, it is a failure of this generation. Poor gameplay, a story lacking depth and addled by twists and turns, and some egregious and grievous errors in character design and animations bog down this horror title and make the worst terror of all the game itself.
29 | Kinect Star Wars (2012)
Although I could tell right away that it wasn’t going to get any awards for being the greatest Star Wars game ever, I thought Kinect Star Wars looked interesting enough and at least had some potential. So naturally, when I actually saw it in action being played, I was horrified. It has a few redeemable concepts- as few and far between as they are, but one thing utterly destroys it in a fell swoop: dancing. Well, and other horrible mini-games. It looks alright graphically, but that’s about at that was done right. I should’ve expected that though from a Kinect title… They would’ve had better success marketing it as Dance Central: Star Wars though honestly…
28 | Two Worlds (2007)
Cult classic essentially though it is, this game was an obvious shoe-in for the list here. All in all, it’s actually not that bad of a game if you can stomach the pretty bad everything and get past the fact that it is a worse version of Oblivion essentially, aside from the story being different. The sequel was actually a truly decent game, and markedly better than the original, but this one is where it all began- sadly. A host of glitches and assorted maladies plagued the game and I assume still do, but it still managed to endear itself to some.
27 | Velvet Assassin (2009)
Velvet Assassin isn’t the worst of games, as it obviously is not at the very bottom of this list, however it is very, very far from the best of them as well. The game has an interesting premise although it revisits the cliched and overused World War II Europe setting. However, it doesn’t even manage to put together an interesting ensemble with the assassin chic or setting, as a convoluted plot, poor environmental design, and stale gameplay keep the game from being anything particularly special at all.
26 | Call of Juarez: The Cartel (2011)
Call of Juarez as a series has a spotty career track- a good first game, a decent second, a poor third, and then a decent arcade reboot. If you couldn’t guess, The Cartel is the third title in the series. While originally the series took place in the wild, wild west during pre, post, and during Civil War times, Cartel takes place in the present. If that doesn’t make any sense to you, join the club. As a shooter and cooperative title, the game has its flaws but manages to be at least passably bearable. As far as story, graphics, and anything else go however, it fails on most accounts.
25 | Cabela’s Survival: Shadows of Katmai (2011)
While the game doesn’t have as ridiculous a story as that of Dangerous Hunts 2011, Shadows of Katmai will leave you questioning the direction Cabela is going in, as well as why you even purchased the game at all. Having branched out of the shooting simulations market and into other territory as well, this so-called survival game forces you to fight poor area design, bad graphics, and heinous glitches more often than actual enemies and assorted wildlife.
24 | Bodycount (2011)
Bodycount is the spiritual successor to Codemasters’ 2006 insta-classic shooter Black, features a high level of environmental destructibility, and has beautiful graphics. So what went wrong to earn it a spot on this list? A combination of things, as it turns out. The convoluted and pretty much pointless story, generic dudes with guns and character models, some less than stellar AI at times, and the simple fact that what was awesome in 2006 is mostly standard now kept the game from being anything spectacular. It isn’t the worst game on this list, but the dramatic letdown alone earns it a spot below some of the other titles.
23 | Avatar: The Burning Earth (2007)
This particular game is a classic play for many people simply for the fact that it is a quick and dirty way to get 1000 gamerscore easily on the Xbox 360. Seriously, you can earn all five achievements in under ten minutes, as they are all combo-related ones. As far as the story goes, it coincides with the Avatar television show. As for the gameplay and much else in the title, they pretty much suck and are extremely boring at times (most times).
22 | Dark (2013)
Now, this one here had several interesting concepts going for it, although sadly none of them panned out. Dark is a modern day vampire story, a stealth oriented action game, and also a cell-shaded adventure with looks very similar to the art direction of the Borderlands series. Sadly a combination of glitches, boring gameplay, and very faulty and finicky controls landed this game nearly universal disdain and terrible ratings. Best left in the dark, I guess you could say.
21 | GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009)
Unlike the movie of the same name which was at least passably enjoyable, if not genuinely or accurately well-done, this game was better left unspoken of and not made. As with most if not all movie-tie in games, it sucks. The graphics are bad, the gameplay repetitive and bland, and the story very poorly thought out- even with the events of the movie to guide it along. So yeah, I hope you didn’t waste your money on this one for some reason.
20 | MindJack (2011)
As with many games on this list, MindJack isn’t utterly beyond help in terms of enjoyability, and isn’t completely terrible for the most part. It employs interesting mind “hacking” concepts as well as decent third person shooting mechanics, although nothing that hasn’t been seen before. Aside from that, the story is laughable and the graphics generally range from bad to FUBAR and off-kilter throughout the game. Also, mind-controlled silverback gorillas. Ahem, yes.
19 | Spider-Man: Friend or Foe (2007)
Oh Spider-Man, 2007 just was not a good year for you at all, was it? Friend or Foe turned the webslinger into an even more kid-friendly guy and his game into a poorly designed and poorly executed mess. The only good part of the game was the numerous shoutouts to comic book references ranging from Madame Web to Carnage, and that’s about it. Literally everything else, from the poor graphics display to the less than superb gameplay and story suffered though.
18 | Star Trek (2013)
Yes, this game was pretty bad, however it was surprisingly not for the reasons I thought it would be. Although poorly explained at times, the story was probably the strongest aspect of the entire game, as the gameplay and graphics obviously took a back seat. Good job getting Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto’s likenesses in the game however! That must’ve been really, really easy… (I jest). A new threat doesn’t seem so new however in the game, as there are obviously recycled elements from the first movie such as the diving towards the giant drill part, but aside from that I suppose the game is a solid ‘meh’ on a scale of ‘ermm’ to ‘what the flying space monkeys’. So…yeah.
17 | The Walking Dead: Survival Instinct (2013)
Survival Instinct is a pretty bad game, but that isn’t for lack of trying. It’s concepts at zombie apocalypse survival are actual quite decent, however few are executed properly or as intended. The main things that keep it down are boring and repetitive gameplay and very poor graphics. Aside from that, it actually boasts a passing story and two semi-likeable protagonists in Merle and Daryl Dixon from the television show. However, it is a prequel, so it thankfully treads thus far unexplored territory as far as the two brothers stories go.
16 | Balls of Fury (2007)
Yes, just what I’ve always wanted! Another movie-tie in game to add to the list of really bad games out there from this past console generation! Oh, and yes- although it may not look it at all, this game was made on Wii…in 2007. So ignore the fact that it looks like it’s from 1990. How a single console can have games that look like this and then Xenoblade is beyond me. Poor art direction, poor story originality or even passable copying of the movie’s plot, and poor everything else bring this title down to gaming hell.
15 | NeverDead (2012)
This game really should’ve stayed dead and just been hushed up. While it looks decent as far as graphics go, which is probably the only good thing that can be said for it, the game plays very, very, very poorly at everything else. The concept is neat enough although it feels overused about ten minutes into the game, and you eventually tire of exploding apart every time you get hit and having to do the humpty dumpty to get put back together. Just do yourself a favor and go play Too Human instead- even it is better than this game.
14 | 007 Legends (2012)
James Bond hasn’t had the best of luck in terms of games since Goldeneye to be honest, and with this game, we now know exactly why it seems- he hasn’t learned his lesson(s) still. Quantum of Solace may have been pretty meh, but Legends easily apes it by outdoing it in nearly every way, poorly that is. Including random missions from each of several movies may have sounded interesting and made for an interesting concept, but it tears the fragile story asunder as well. Oh, and the graphics look bad, the gameplay is poor, and most everything lacks quality except voicework as it features many actually talented actors- see Judi Dench and Benecio Del Toro for example.
13 | Beowulf: The Game (2007)
Well, this game could’ve been worse, but not much worse. It’s only saving grace is a decently intriguing story that continues on even after the movie (yeah, remember that one?) ends and follows the rest of Beowulf’s life as King of the Danes- as legend would have it as well. Aside from that, poor gameplay, graphics, and a generally unpleasant atmosphere suck the life and fun out of the rest of the game, if there was any to begin with.
12 | Clash of the Titans (2010)
This game has been described as a hack and slash style game, which I feel is at least marginally accurate. It has also been described (as per Wiki) as a game having no plot, since the plot segment of that page is empty. I feel this is also extremely accurate, as with the poorly crafted 3D monstrosity of a movie released to (wait for it) the same name. This isn’t simply another movie tie-in game however, as this game’s poor quality goes well beyond that of the movie’s. No story, low quality visuals, and poor design choices make the gameplay irrelevant and it wasn’t worth it anyway, so don’t play this, please.
11 | Crash of the Titans (2007)
Oh how the mighty have fallen… Well, both Sierra and Crash Bandicoot it seems anyway… Whereas the Crash games used to be pretty good and interesting and unique, the later iterations traded all of that for a quick cash and grab and sub-par, mediocre gameplay. Crash of the Titans is no different, what with its short length, lack of any truly ‘new’ substance, and low quality of gameplay and design. Therefore, it earns the spot right under the very similarly titled Clash of the Titans.
10 | Eragon (2006)
What a shame- a pretty good book series not only ending on a sour note, but spawning both a movie and game that were both equally abominable in their own ways. At least for the game’s side of things, we know that to be because it had poor graphics, gameplay, and story. And the fact that it followed the story of the book and movie makes that all the more unforgiving. I mean, just look up reviews of the thing- they’re atrocious for a reason! Also, curious that the name Eragon is one letter away from dragon, and the series concerns…dragons. Hmm…
09 | Iron Man (2008)
I guess it’s a good thing this game wasn’t called Invincible Iron Man, because nothing about it is in any way invincible at all. The graphics are way below standard, the gameplay sad, the story hard to describe even though it follows the movie’s plot, and the rest of the dreary misadventures would make fans cry harder than Iron Man 3 and Mass Effect 3’s ending put together- it’s that bad. I hope you didn’t decide to purchase this Robert Down-Under of a crap heap. The rust bucket flies better than this.
08 | Jumper: Griffin’s Story (2008)
Decent story, bad movie, really bad game- Jumper sure knows how to jump about on the spectrum of bad to worse in terms of media it seems. I think Reiner will agree with me in saying that this game gives ET a run for his money- it’s that bad, enough said.
07 | Blackwater (2011)
Score wise, Blackwater may have been beaten by Jumper (in terms of a lower score), however the fact that the developers crafted this game and then boasted about it being better than Modern Warfare in some ways earns it every bit of this spot on my list. You really thought it could even compete?! The graphics are laughable, the story laughable, the gameplay nowhere near passable, and the entire thing taken together is a trash pile worth of crap. I hate to break it to you, but this thing is as close to broken as it gets. It’s BAD. Also, apparently on-rails shooting mimics real-world scenarios. Yeah, um okay.
06 | Hour of Victory (2007)
2007 was a rough year but it also had some good games as well, this not among them. Hour of Victory is well-known for being a broken and completely buggy game for a good reason- it is. It’s received some of the lowest overall scores of all time, and thereby earns its place here easily. The graphics are poor, the gameplay still poorer, and the rest of it- from sound to story is virtually nonexistent. So it’s pretty victorious if those were the main goals.
05 | Vampire Rain (2007)
Even a game about it raining vampires would be better than this terrible mess. The game is literally a bad joke, as it can’t do anything right, or so it seems. There are no redeemable qualities to this “stealth” title that pits your poorly armed team against invincible vampires who defy convention and can come out in daytime as well. If they find you, you die, if you move, you die. Basically, you die. And that’s not because the game is difficult, but because it sucks- pun intended.
04 | Rogue Warrior (2009)
What seemed like an interesting premise conducted by a well-known veteran turned out to be a terrible travesty of video game justice. Something definitely went rogue in the process of making this game, as it’s very poorly crafted- by Bethesda too of all people! Not only did I expect better, but I was in fact surprised at just how truly horrifying the game is when it comes to sound, mechanics, and graphics. They’re pretty darn bad.
03 | Conflict: Denied Ops (2008)
It may not have received the worst average review scores of the games on this list, but do not let that fool you- this generic romp is definitely one of the worst. The title itself spouts generic all over the place and sets the tone for the type of game to follow. Not a single trope taken is original, and each aspect of the game is poorly crafted to begin with. It has some higher up ranks beat in terms of graphics, if just, but they easily outweigh it in gameplay and all else, sad as that is.
02 | Ride to Hell: Retribution (2013)
Somebody needs some retribution for creating this game, or allowing it to be created… This misogynistic game- and it is, oh it is, portrays women poorly, as to be expected of that. It brutalizes most sentiments found in any sensible game, makes too many “jokes” for its own good, and generally sucks. Remember GI saying it would be a contender for worst game of the generation? Well yeah, it’s really far up there- and close to the worst. Seriously though, like- you have fully clothed sex in your game and you expect to be taken seriously? No, just no.
01 | Sukeban Shachou Rena (2009)
This game barely sold 100 units in the first week, was recognizably terrible, and therefore banned from ever being sold again outside (by Japan) and never imported to the US to be continually sold because of that. It’s BAD. Cat mini-games may sound alright, if they work, which these don’t.
Honorable Mentions | Two Extras I Couldn’t Fit In
I hope that you guys have enjoyed this lengthy blog! I know you’re probably suffering right alongside me, having had to witness these terrible games at work in the brief explanations, but I promise you it can’t get any worse than this…this past generation anyway…on consoles… Until the next time!